Just being Emo…Don’t worry about us
Hormones! Hormones to weird things to humans otherwise capable of being perfectly rational. Teenagers are weird. They cry a lot, they yell a lot, they sometimes smell stanky, and they generally have no idea what they are doing but are confident that they’ve mastered everything. Especially relationships.
My first relationship was with a rocking dude named Taylor.
Just hanging on a boat (From left to right: Taylor, me, Alex, Joanne, Scott)
As it was my first relationship, I was terrified. I generally decided to hardly speak, NEVER call him on the phone (R.I.P MSN Messenger, you were my survival), and at least try to like whatever he liked. I was a sloppy puddle of love hormones. As most high school relationships, this one did not work out. Our relationship surely won’t interest you, but our break-up is one for the ages.
So Taylor knew that we weren’t working and tried to break up with me. I just flat out couldn’t accept that, yaknowwhaddImean?? I begged him to reconsider his decision. So we stayed together, him going through the motions, and me trying to convince him that I was the coolest person he’d ever met. This mostly consisted of me not calling him on the phone, making my friend Joanne convince him to hang out with me, and wearing AC/DC t-shirts. I may not have sold him on me being the pinnacle of cool.
So cool, I trick or treated through high school. Lisa is a big participant in the story to follow.
It all came to a head about two weeks after summer vacation started. Joanne and I were cruising around town, wondering what movies we should rent that evening. I hadn’t spoken to Taylor since school ended, so I was hoping to see him that night. I begged Joanne to call him since I was seriously incapable of making the phone call, fearing it would end in a break up, and then Joanne would have to nurse me back to sanity.
She called him and said he was busy playing Star Wars or something. I was disappointed, knowing that I was about to get handed my first break up. It was only a matter of time, and I was nowhere near emotionally mature enough to handle it healthily. I wrote some BAD teenage poetry. Joanne and I rented The Exorcist and The Mothman Prophecies. I invited several of my other friends (Lisa, Kayla, Alan, Alex, Scott, and a few others) over for the movie bananza, and things started happening.
Richard Gere experiencing a feeling regarding the mothman
Let’s just take a moment to remember that someone bleeds out of their ear in TMP, as I fondly call it. Actually, I don’t call it anything because the only time I ever think about it is when I’m telling this story. But it is pretty scary from what I remember. TMP, stop distracting me! BACK TO THE STORY.
Basically, I was a wreck because my boyfriend didn’t want to hang out with me since he never wanted to be “with me” again. Don’t blame him, I wasn’t so much a person as I was a puddle of hormones. My friends were really great and wanted Taylor to stop avoiding me and give me closure. While a mature notion, they didn’t exactly know how to maturely carry it out. Lisa told Joanne, Scott, Alan, and Kayla that they could use her car to go talk to Taylor. Before they leave, Scott takes duct tape and garbage bags out of my kitchen. That is not a good sign.
This is NOT what they were going to do with the duct tape and garbage bags.
FULL DISCLOSURE: What follows is SUPER dangerous and no one ever has recommended it as a healthy way to force your boyfriend into talking to you. We are super lucky that no one (Taylor) was injured during all of this nonsense.
I did not witness the following, but have been regaled with several retellings of the events. And boy, is it a good tale.
Scott, Joanne, Alan and Kayla arrived at Taylor’s house. He answered the door and they asked him why he isn’t watching TMP at my house. He said he was busy spending quality time with his dad (god forbid). My friends were not impressed with that. Scott forcibly picked him up while Taylor flailed around (light saber in hand), calling for help.
“DAD, THEY’RE KIDNAPPING ME!!!!”
“Oh, that’s nice Taylor, be home before 11:00.”
Taylor as a wilted glove and his father as and indifferent glove.
Taylor was no match against the four determined comrades. Someone popped the trunk, and they forced poor Taylor into it, slamming him into the dark cavern. Taylor called his father from his cell phone in the trunk, plead for a little help, sympathy or advice and was met with a chuckle and continued nonchalance. After he got off the phone call with his father, Taylor made a racket in the trunk. Eventually he found the escape latch and pulled it, popping open the trunk. I’m sure he was elated, thinking he was clever enough to escape from his kidnappers. It was not so. Scott saw what Taylor was up to and slammed on the breaks, forcing the trunk closed, fortunately not taking off Taylor’s fingers in the process. Thwarted, Taylor was forced into submission and waited his arrival to my home. I’m sure he was really excited to see me.
It should be noted that Scott and Taylor are really great friends.
The lot of them make it back to my house, uninjured, but with a shaken Taylor clutching his light saber (not a euphemism). I incorrectly assumed that they had brought him to my house in a more conventional manner, such as him riding in the cab of the car, not having nearly taken off any of his body parts. Once he was in my living room, I did what any socially inept teen would do and continued to not talk to him, despite asking my friends to bring him to me. I wanted to talk, but I didn’t know how to talk to a survivor of friendnap or someone who wanted to break up with me.
We all pretended to be enthralled by The Exorcism, while attempting to ignore the teen drama and angst hanging in the air. My angst alone easily matched that of Joey and Dawson (don’t even pretend like you’re too cool to know who I’m referring to).
All of the sudden TAYLOR DISAPPEARED. He had given us the slip, and ran away outside. Lisa, who was incredibly invested in mine and Taylor’s relationship, screamed “I CRAVE BLOOD” and bolted out the front door to chase him down. Totally normal reaction, no? Scott grabbed the keys to Lisa’s Pontiac and peeled off after the two of them. I cried and cried and cried like the emotionally fragile child I was. Alan and Alex sat and the corner, repeating to eat other, “This is a really bad idea, guys. Right? It’s really bad.” They weren’t wrong.
Once Lisa caught up to Taylor, she reamed him out and may have tried to bite him. (She definitely tried to bite him). Scott pulled up in Lisa’s car and wisely yelled, “HEY KID! GET IN HERE! I’VE GOT CANDY!!!”
Taylor replied with, “NO! GO AWAY MISTER! I DON’T KNOW YOU!!”
In retrospect, one can see how this exchange might not be seen merely as friends just joshing around.
Taylor managed to escape from the pair of them despite their best efforts, and made it home relatively unscathed physically, but probably pretty scathed emotionally/mentally. Lisa and Scott returned to base camp, to continue to plot Operation: FORCE TAYLOR AND LAUREN TO HAVE ONE GODDAMN CONVERSATION SO WE CAN ALL LIVE OUR LIVES NORMALLY AGAIN JESUS CHRIST. It didn’t shorten into a cute acronym. FTALTHOGCSWCALOLNAJC just doesn’t really roll off the tongue.
I’m weepy, crying to my female friends, “I..I..just don’t *sob* un-un-understand why he doesn’t…why he doesn’t like me anymore!!! *wail* *snot-rocket*”
My male friends didn’t really understand how to comfort me. Some just patted my head and said “I sorry…Don’t be cry!” Just like Liz Lemon. Others were reading a funny book and wouldn’t stop laughing, while my lady friends shot lasers at them with their eye ballz. It was like we had all emotions in one room.
What I looked like, probably.
Joanne and Lisa comforted me and said they would go calmly talk to Taylor about how upset I was. They pinky swore that there would be neither kidnapping nor biting. They drove to his house and he agreed to have a rational conversation with me. He drove his own car, Lisa and Joanne followed. It was a very stressful night and Lisa was worked up. She was understandably distracted, and ended up running a stop sign. Unluckily for her, a police officer was nearby and witnessed her transgression.
Lisa and I being buddies.
Lisa and Joanne were just a block from my house when the police lights flashed behind them. We were only 16, and it was the first time Lisa had ever been pulled over. Once she was to the side of the road, Lisa started panicking. In her frazzled state, Lisa turned off her car and unbuckled her seat belt. Joanne quickly reprimanded her and Lisa put the seat belt back on just before the officer tapped on her window.
Once she regained her composure, she turned the car back on and rolled down the window, the frustrated officer asked, “What’s going on!?!”
Lisa replied, with tears beginning to form in her eyes, “LAUREN AND TAYLOR ARE HAVING PROBLEMS.”
It may have been the first time the guy ever heard a relationship confession as an excuse for a traffic violation. Especially since it wasn’t even her relationship. The officer said, “What are you talking about???”
Lisa then briefly explained the situation, the officer staring at her in disbelief. It was obvious that he was not prepared to be a teen therapist. He was clearly just expecting to make a routine stop, not open up a gigantic can of emo worms.
“Uhhh, no. I pulled you over for two reasons. You ran a stop sign, and a car matching this description was reported to be involved in an attempted kidnapping an hour ago.”
“OH NO, that happened like three hours ago,” Lisa said as she tried to explain that it was just teenage shenanigans, but he wasn’t buying it.
“Are you telling me this car was involved in two kidnappings?”
As it turned out, Lisa explained the first incident, when Taylor was actually put in the trunk. The person who reported the attempted kidnapping witness Scott telling Taylor that he had candy in his car.
What Scott might as well have done to Lisa’s car.
The police officer could not understand why a friend would ever kidnap another friend. He ended up coming back to my house to talk to my parents to sort the whole thing out. Lisa had a melt down and was grounded from her car for a long time. Taylor and I still didn’t talk. It was, I imagine, one of the strangest nights Taylor ever experienced. We ended up formally breaking up about ten days later ON HIS BIRTHDAY over MSN (MSN, you giveth and you taketh away). Anyway, it wasn’t all bad. I bought his birthday present after I emotionally prepared for the possibility of him breaking up before the day got there. So I got to keep Anchorman. And we all ended up with a story for the ages.
It took about six months after the break-up, but Taylor and I became good friends once again.
Post-kidnap incident buddies
Tell me, do you have any amazing break-up stories???