Shedding for the Wedding and I’m a fart machine

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                                      Well, that’s just ridiculous.

So my wedding is coming up in just under seven months. I’ve been trying hard to stop laying on my couch, devouring hours upon hours of Dawson’s Creek.

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              Who doesn’t love these assholes?

I love getting fictional teenage drama all over my eyes and ears. Entertainment at its finest. As much as I’d like to compare favorite DC episodes with you guys for hours or days, we need to get back to the topic I haven’t started! Weight loss isn’t super easy for me like it is for Ol Peteski. He has lost about 10 pounds recently just from “bending over a lot at the nursing home.” I wish I was joking. I, on the other hand, gained 15 pounds last year when I was training for a marathon and running around 25-40 miles a week, while keeping track of calories. I don’t know what happened, but apparently my body doesn’t get it.

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       GET WITH THE PROGRAM, BOD!!!

I stopped running after the marathon in October and hardly worked out for a month. I had some exercise/running related injuries that really needed some time to clear themselves up. After my body was no longer out of commission, I decided to get my groove back. Ever since the proposal, I’ve been developing a relationship with a mega bitch who’s got my back. I think you will recognize this adorable face:

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    IT’S JILLIAN, BITCHES!!!!

I’ve been working out somewhere between 3-5 (hopefully I can hit 6 soon) days a week with dis bitch. She’s pretty effective. I’ve been doing Ripped in 30 and No More Trouble Zones. I love them both, but I have one Jillian related complaint. She screams over and over and over “IF YOU WANT A 20 MINUTE WORK OUT, YOU DON’T GET ANY BREAKS!!!!” or another variation of that. I have no problem with that, except when the workout is over 35 minutes have passed!! What the what? Gurlfrann, I’ll do you’re 35 minute work out, just don’t make me think it’s only 20.

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Hopefully I’ll keep y’all updated on my fitness progress. Unless I fail horribly, in which case I’ll be too embarrassed to even get married.

Now this is the more important topic I wanted to talk about. Guys, let it be known now that I am an insane person. I get nervous about everything. When I get nervous, I get back stomach aches. When I get bad stomach aches, I FART CONSTANTLY! Wedding planning occasionally has me at my wits end, and Pete and Jared have had to light a couple of candles and spray some febreeze due to my nervous farts. I also think it COULD be food related, and have started a journal. So far, it’s unclear what exactly has caused it. But it needs to go. I was at orientation today for my new job and my butt was just begging to trumpet out into the silent training room, echo it’s tune off my walls, and suffocate my new colleagues.

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Rest assured, my fart would not have smelled like a rainbow.

 

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Tales from an Emo-Princess Teen: A KIDNAP IN RURAL AMERICA

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Just being Emo…Don’t worry about us

Hormones! Hormones to weird things to humans otherwise capable of being perfectly rational. Teenagers are weird. They cry a lot, they yell a lot, they sometimes smell stanky, and they generally have no idea what they are doing but are confident that they’ve mastered everything. Especially relationships.

My first relationship was with a rocking dude named Taylor.

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Just hanging on a boat (From left to right: Taylor, me, Alex, Joanne, Scott)

As it was my first relationship, I was terrified. I generally decided to hardly speak, NEVER call him on the phone (R.I.P MSN Messenger, you were my survival), and at least try to like whatever he liked. I was a sloppy puddle of love hormones. As most high school relationships, this one did not work out. Our relationship surely won’t interest you, but our break-up is one for the ages.

ImageSo Taylor knew that we weren’t working and tried to break up with me. I just flat out couldn’t accept that, yaknowwhaddImean?? I begged him to reconsider his decision. So we stayed together, him going through the motions, and me trying to convince him that I was the coolest person he’d ever met. This mostly consisted of me not calling him on the phone, making my friend Joanne convince him to hang out with me, and wearing AC/DC t-shirts. I may not have sold him on me being the pinnacle of cool.

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So cool, I trick or treated through high school. Lisa is a big participant in the story to follow.

It all came to a head about two weeks after summer vacation started. Joanne and I were cruising around town, wondering what movies we should rent that evening. I hadn’t spoken to Taylor since school ended, so I was hoping to see him that night. I begged Joanne to call him since I was seriously incapable of making the phone call, fearing it would end in a break up, and then Joanne would have to nurse me back to sanity.

She called him and said he was busy playing Star Wars or something. I was disappointed, knowing that I was about to get handed my first break up. It was only a matter of time, and I was nowhere near emotionally mature enough to handle it healthily. I wrote some BAD teenage poetry. Joanne and I rented The Exorcist and The Mothman Prophecies. I invited several of my other friends (Lisa, Kayla, Alan, Alex, Scott, and a few others) over for the movie bananza, and things started happening.

Richard Gere experiencing a feeling regarding the mothman

Richard Gere experiencing a feeling regarding the mothman

Let’s just take a moment to remember that someone bleeds out of their ear in TMP, as I fondly call it. Actually, I don’t call it anything because the only time I ever think about it is when I’m telling this story. But it is pretty scary from what I remember. TMP, stop distracting me! BACK TO THE STORY.

Basically, I was a wreck because my boyfriend didn’t want to hang out with me since he never wanted to be “with me” again. Don’t blame him, I wasn’t so much a person as I was a puddle of hormones. My friends were really great and wanted Taylor to stop avoiding me and give me closure. While a mature notion, they didn’t exactly know how to maturely carry it out. Lisa told Joanne, Scott, Alan, and Kayla that they could use her car to go talk to Taylor. Before they leave, Scott takes duct tape and garbage bags out of my kitchen. That is not a good sign.

This is NOT what they were going to do with the duct tape and garbage bags.

This is NOT what they were going to do with the duct tape and garbage bags.

FULL DISCLOSURE: What follows is SUPER dangerous and no one ever has recommended it as a healthy way to force your boyfriend into talking to you. We are super lucky that no one (Taylor) was injured during all of this nonsense.

I did not witness the following, but have been regaled with several retellings of the events. And boy, is it a good tale.

Scott, Joanne, Alan and Kayla arrived at Taylor’s house. He answered the door and they asked him why he isn’t watching TMP at my house. He said he was busy spending quality time with his dad (god forbid). My friends were not impressed with that. Scott forcibly picked him up while Taylor flailed around (light saber in hand), calling for help.

“DAD, THEY’RE KIDNAPPING ME!!!!”

“Oh, that’s nice Taylor, be home before 11:00.”

Taylor as a wilted glove and his father as and indifferent glove.

Taylor as a wilted glove and his father as and indifferent glove.

Taylor was no match against the four determined comrades. Someone popped the trunk, and they forced poor Taylor into it, slamming him into the dark cavern. Taylor called his father from his cell phone in the trunk, plead for a little help, sympathy or advice and was met with a chuckle and continued nonchalance. After he got off the phone call with his father, Taylor made a racket in the trunk. Eventually he found the escape latch and pulled it, popping open the trunk. I’m sure he was elated, thinking he was clever enough to escape from his kidnappers. It was not so. Scott saw what Taylor was up to and slammed on the breaks, forcing the trunk closed, fortunately not taking off Taylor’s fingers in the process. Thwarted, Taylor was forced into submission and waited his arrival to my home. I’m sure he was really excited to see me.

It should be noted that Scott and Taylor are really great friends.

It should be noted that Scott and Taylor are really great friends.

The lot of them make it back to my house, uninjured, but with a shaken Taylor clutching his light saber (not a euphemism). I incorrectly assumed that they had brought him to my house in a more conventional manner, such as him riding in the cab of the car, not having nearly taken off any of his body parts. Once he was in my living room, I did what any socially inept teen would do and continued to not talk to him, despite asking my friends to bring him to me. I wanted to talk, but I didn’t know how to talk to a survivor of friendnap or someone who wanted to break up with me.

We all pretended to be enthralled by The Exorcism, while attempting to ignore the teen drama and angst hanging in the air. My angst alone easily matched that of Joey and Dawson (don’t even pretend like you’re too cool to know who I’m referring to).

Dat Angst

Dat Angst

All of the sudden TAYLOR DISAPPEARED. He had given us the slip, and ran away outside. Lisa, who was incredibly invested in mine and Taylor’s relationship, screamed “I CRAVE BLOOD” and bolted out the front door to chase him down. Totally normal reaction, no? Scott grabbed the keys to Lisa’s Pontiac and peeled off after the two of them. I cried and cried and cried like the emotionally fragile child I was. Alan and Alex sat and the corner, repeating to eat other, “This is a really bad idea, guys. Right? It’s really bad.” They weren’t wrong.

Once Lisa caught up to Taylor, she reamed him out and may have tried to bite him. (She definitely tried to bite him). Scott pulled up in Lisa’s car and wisely yelled, “HEY KID! GET IN HERE! I’VE GOT CANDY!!!”

Taylor replied with, “NO! GO AWAY MISTER! I DON’T KNOW YOU!!”

In retrospect, one can see how this exchange might not be seen merely as friends just joshing around.

Taylor managed to escape from the pair of them despite their best efforts, and made it home relatively unscathed physically, but probably pretty scathed emotionally/mentally. Lisa and Scott returned to base camp, to continue to plot Operation: FORCE TAYLOR AND LAUREN TO HAVE ONE GODDAMN CONVERSATION SO WE CAN ALL LIVE OUR LIVES NORMALLY AGAIN JESUS CHRIST. It didn’t shorten into a cute acronym. FTALTHOGCSWCALOLNAJC just doesn’t really roll off the tongue.

I’m weepy, crying to my female friends, “I..I..just don’t *sob* un-un-understand why he doesn’t…why he doesn’t like me anymore!!! *wail* *snot-rocket*”

My male friends didn’t really understand how to comfort me. Some just patted my head and said “I sorry…Don’t be cry!” Just like Liz Lemon. Others were reading a funny book and wouldn’t stop laughing, while my lady friends shot lasers at them with their eye ballz. It was like we had all emotions in one room.

What I looked like, probably.

What I looked like, probably.

Joanne and Lisa comforted me and said they would go calmly talk to Taylor about how upset I was. They pinky swore that there would be neither kidnapping nor biting. They drove to his house and he agreed to have a rational conversation with me. He drove his own car, Lisa and Joanne followed. It was a very stressful night and Lisa was worked up. She was understandably distracted, and ended up running a stop sign. Unluckily for her, a police officer was nearby and witnessed her transgression.

Lisa and I being buddies.

Lisa and I being buddies.

Lisa and Joanne were just a block from my house when the police lights flashed behind them. We were only 16, and it was the first time Lisa had ever been pulled over. Once she was to the side of the road, Lisa started panicking. In her frazzled state, Lisa turned off her car and unbuckled her seat belt. Joanne quickly reprimanded her and Lisa put the seat belt back on just before the officer tapped on her window.

Once she regained her composure, she turned the car back on and rolled down the window, the frustrated officer asked, “What’s going on!?!”

Lisa replied, with tears beginning to form in her eyes, “LAUREN AND TAYLOR ARE HAVING PROBLEMS.”

It may have been the first time the guy ever heard a relationship confession as an excuse for a traffic violation. Especially since it wasn’t even her relationship. The officer said, “What are you talking about???”

Lisa then briefly explained the situation, the officer staring at her in disbelief. It was obvious that he was not prepared to be a teen therapist. He was clearly just expecting to make a routine stop, not open up a gigantic can of emo worms.

“Uhhh, no. I pulled you over for two reasons. You ran a stop sign, and a car matching this description was reported to be involved in an attempted kidnapping an hour ago.”

“OH NO, that happened like three hours ago,” Lisa said as she tried to explain that it was just teenage shenanigans, but he wasn’t buying it.

“Are you telling me this car was involved in two kidnappings?”

As it turned out, Lisa explained the first incident, when Taylor was actually put in the trunk. The person who reported the attempted kidnapping witness Scott telling Taylor that he had candy in his car.

What Scott might as well have done to Lisa's car.

What Scott might as well have done to Lisa’s car.

The police officer could not understand why a friend would ever kidnap another friend. He ended up coming back to my house to talk to my parents to sort the whole thing out. Lisa had a melt down and was grounded from her car for a long time. Taylor and I still didn’t talk.  It was, I imagine, one of the strangest nights Taylor ever experienced. We ended up formally breaking up about ten days later ON HIS BIRTHDAY over MSN (MSN, you giveth and you taketh away). Anyway, it wasn’t all bad. I bought his birthday present after I emotionally prepared for the possibility of him breaking up before the day got there. So I got to keep Anchorman. And we all ended up with a story for the ages.

It took about six months after the break-up, but Taylor and I became good friends once again.

Post-kidnap incident buddies

Post-kidnap incident buddies

Tell me, do you have any amazing break-up stories???

 

 

Wedding Wednesday [Secretly Thursday]-THE PROPOSAL

 

 

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Photo by Life Tree Photography

Sorry everybody, I’ve been gone a minute. I’m back, and hope to be blogging up a storm. Where did I go? No where, but I had super pressing things to do, like catch up on The Mindy Project, Community and the Walking Dead. What can I tell you? I love me some TV. Seriously, practically any TV (except Chuck Lorre shows, blechhh).

I thought it was high time I broke down my proposal story to y’all. I mean, I’ve had this blog for a week now, and you STILL have no idea how Pete asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.

So Pete and I have been together for nearly four years. I detailed our meet cute in a previous post. Of the four years, we have lived together for nearly three of them. A year of which was after I graduated college, having a post college crisis, living in my parents basement. If I haven’t mentioned it yet, let me say it again: my parents are the bomb dot com.

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The bomb dot coms themselves

 

Early in January we became super adults by purchasing our first house and subsequently panicking afterward about owning a house.

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This house does not have a panic room (nearly a deal breaker)

 

Full disclosure compels me to tell you that I was on the rebound when I met Pete. I thought it would just be a summer fling. He was moving three hours away for school after the summer was over. PERFECT. He wouldn’t get clingy, and I could be a free spirit, laughing about how awesome my summer boyfriend was and how great it was over. Spoiler alert: that is not what went down. Instead we ended up bf and gf and loving on each other, even long distance. Needless to say, I did not know I was going to marry this guy from the moment we met each other.

My friend Chloe, is an incredibly gifted photographer along with her sister Hannah (also my friend). You should all stop reading this post immediately and check out their blog http://lifetreephotography.blogspot.com/

Chloe has been begging Pete for the last year or so to get over it already and propose to me. So one day she called me up and told me she needed to try out a new photography style on a couple she felt comfortable with before she tried it on strangers. I said Pete and I would be happy to do it for her. Chloe and Hannah came over to our new house on January 6, 3012 and took us around downtown taking pictures of us being generally vomit-inducingly adorable.

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Photo by Life Tree Photography…You can’t see it, but we are being so adorable someone is puking behind us.

We get back home, because its cold wandering around outside in Wisconsin in the winter, and try to warm our tootsies. Pete is a drama queen about it.

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Never makes anything easy (Photo by Life Tree Photography)

After we finally warm up, Chloe insists that we take some more pictures out on our porch. We snuggle and Chloe and Hannah snap away. Chloe gives us some prompts meant to produce genuine, heart-felt reactions. I mostly laughed and farted occasionally. Sorry, I’m not sorry for being gassy.

The last prompt Chloe gave us was, “Imagine it’s thirty years from now and you two are reminiscing about all the memories you made. What story to you talk about that hasn’t happened yet?” I go first and mutter something about going on a vacation. Then it’s Pete’s turn. The conversation went something like this:

“Lauren, remember that time that Hannah and Chloe came to our house and…”

“WHAT? No, Pete, that’s happening NOW. You clearly don’t understand the prompt.”

Pete trying to talk over me: “WHEN THEY CAME TO OUR HOUSE AND I GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE,” proceeds to get down on one knee, “AND ASKED YOU TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH ME????”

Oh, whoops. Super bitchy of me to interrupt my own proposal? Also, not out of character at all for me to be so snotty.

Anyway, I said yes and yada yada yada.

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I SAID YES (Photo by Life Tree Photography)

What are you proposal stories??? Maybe I’ll have my mom guest blog about hers. It ended with her responding to my dad after he asked her to marry him, “What? Not right now!!!”

 

Throwback Thursday (Valentine’s Days of Yore)

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Me for most of my life.

 

When I was single (aka basically from high school until junior year of college. I had a dry spell before I could even get started) no holiday annoyed me more than Valentine’s day (with the exception of the ones I didn’t understand. I’m looking at you Arbor Day and Flag Day). I wanted so badly to be given flowers and candy and lovey dovey shit. Never happened. Other than my sophomore year of high school, I was single during most of my wild/mild teenage years. Thank glob for this woman:

 

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Lovely lady/mom in a badass sweater.

She always made sure I had the best Valentines Days. Since no one else was interested in making it rain candy all over me, she mom-ed up and did it. Frankly, she has kind of set and impossible bar for Pete to ever hop over. THIS LADY MADE ME (and my brother Jack) SCAVENGER HUNTS EVERY VALENTINES DAY FROM THE AGE OF FIVE UNTIL I WAS TWENTY. You heard that correctly. TWENTY. It’s possible that it may have even been twenty-one. That’s way too old, but she knew I meant a lot to me so she kept it going. Even my brother, who is five years younger than me, lost interest in the valentine’s day ritual long before I did. I like to think that his decision to no longer participate reflects on his views of valentine’s day more than my inability to be denied festively wrapped candy.  Not only did she make me a elaborate scavenger hunts, which were the tits, but the clues were rhyming poems. No wonder I couldn’t give it up. That is one special mom-lady.

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Picture of my brother Jack at Disneyland. SO HAPPY

Pete has a lot to live up to.

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Pete’s face when he realized the impossibly high valentines day bar my mom set for me.

What fun things did yo parents do for you during non-important holidays???

Wedding Wednesday! (The Background Story)

Pete and I met in 2008 at my friend Sam’s house on New Years Eve. I was leaving and he was coming down the stairs carrying a 30 pack of Bush Light. Swoon.

Our second encounter was also at Sam’s house. He was a key player in this love saga.

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The three of us on an adventure.

 

We played monopoly during that second encounter, nothing remarkable happened to speak of other than our first conversation. We met a third time shortly after the monopoly encounter. We did a puzzle with our friends Evan and Joanne. It was a jungle explosion. As per usual with jigsaw puzzles, it was missing a piece, a tiger eye. We searched everywhere (read: looked under the couch and gave up). The moment Pete and Evan left, the tiger eye was recovered. FORESHADOWING—Pete is my missing puzzle piece. 

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Evan and Pete are elated to be doing a puzzle together.

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Our first picture together. It’s not a good one. #historic

 

Things escalated very slowly after that. He had a relationship in shambles and I was leaving to go to New Zealand for five months. We took to facebook chatting and became better friends.

Upon my return we became real life friends.When I bombed back to Wisconsin, all of my friends were still in school. Pete fortunately, had nothing else to do during the day, so we spent a lot of time together. He then tricked me into our first date. Star Trek came out that first weekend I was home. He said, “Hey Lauren, want to go see Star Trek this weekend? A bunch of us are going.” I knew the guys he was talking about going with and I excitedly agreed. (Guys, I know we don’t know each other yet, but I am way into movies and friends. Both in one place in a combination I can’t pass up).

 

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The movie in question

He picked me up and said, “Oh everybody else decided not to come.” You’re one smooth motherfucker, you know that Pete? You don’t think I know that you’re trick-dating me??? The movie was good so I decided the guy had compatible movie taste with me. That’s like one of only three requirements I have for a boyfriend.

We spent more time together, and one day he changed his facebook relationship status to “in a relationship.” It didn’t say who it was with, and he didn’t invite me to be in a relationship. I naturally assumed he had been two-timing me and was back with his ex-girlfriend. That was not the case. Turns out he’s just a SAP who thought I knew we were dating. #telepathy

 

So that’s how it all began, how did you all meet your significant others?